Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen. I’ll stop here and just let that sink in for just a moment….
OK, we’re back and it’s time for another Delicately Balancing Life confession: if there is one thing I am NOT good at, it is chilling the eff out and letting things just happen. Letting the pieces “fall where they may” is just not in my vernacular. One of my mottos, especially at work, is “we make shit happen.” That’s what I do for a living and if I really stop to think about it, it’s what I do in my personal life as well. It’s what I excel at. It is my comfort zone! Always in motion, forging ahead to the next task, the next challenge or even the next meal. I’m a planner, straight to the core of my being. So letting things just happen feels almost irresponsible to me. You see, if I let things just happen, I am giving over control and am less likely to get exactly what I want, right? I’m not so sure anymore.
This life lesson gave me a big ‘ol bitch slap when my daughter was born. Of course I had everything masterfully planned for how our lives were going to go. We had attended just about every birthing, nursing, baby prep class we could find and I was educated up the wazzooo; I knew exactly what to do and I was going to Nail. It. All! Everyone says “nursing is hard”. What I heard was “nursing is hard for people who don’t make it happen, people who don’t try hard enough.” Every article I read said “the baby should sleep in the bassinet by your bed for the first year.” My thought: of course my darling, adorable little lovely angel will be a quiet sleeper and will love her bassinet. Oh and perhaps my favorite “babies must be swaddled, it is how they feel safe, just like your womb.” Yes, don’t we all want to be tied down with our hands to our sides in a little baby cocoon!?!? And don’t even get me started on how I was POSITIVE that everyone’s horror stories about how their epidural didn’t work were just because their anesthesiologist didn’t know what they were doing or they didn’t have the perfect spine. Of course my epidural was going to work like a charm and I wouldn’t feel a thing. Yeaaa….right….
So having a baby has forced me in to doing a little dance we call “letting it happen”. And it’s uncomfortable. It’s not natural. So here I sit, way far outside my comfort zone with a formula fed baby who refused to be swaddled and was way happier in her crib, still having flashbacks of the pain from childbirth when my epidural stopped working.
Life has a way of forcing us to learn the lessons we aren’t quite ready to tackle on our own. Was I a little relieved to go back to work where I can more carefully control things and actually make shit happen. You betcha! But when I go home every evening, I cross that threshold and give over, just a little bit, to letting life happen. It doesn’t come naturally, yet, but I’m working on it. My little lovey was a bit fussy yesterday evening; I could tell she was out of sorts. So my evening consisted of making funny faces, dancing around like a crazy lady and doing every silly thing I could think of to turn her frown upside down. Hard to say how or why, but the universe works in amazing ways. I had a particularly stressful day yesterday and life handed me exactly what I needed: an opportunity to be silly and focus on my daughter. Upon reflection, I guess I did go back in to “make it happen” mode…I was going to make my daughter laugh and smile, no matter what. And it worked! We all went to bed feeling a little bit better than we did when we got home yesterday afternoon. I guess this is why they call it a dance. If we have an open mind and an open heart, I think we can gracefully, delicately, dance between making things happen and letting them happen. It’s not an all or nothing dance. When you move across the dance floor, it’s back and forth, side to side, front to back….give and take, just like life. Relax and enjoy the dance.